enrolled myself in a clinical study

I am NEVER doing this shit again.

I am placing this here that if im to be taken out, it'll be by an errant bird or a broken hip at 82. But breast cancer? Never

But while im here.. why not enroll myself in clinical studies and trials?

There's always complaints of a dearth of information about black people's responses to diseases.

Luckily I dont have the health system fear of the typical black American.. so while I'm here , I shall contribute 

This one is the psychological impacts of going thru treatment.

Apt and timely given my first PTSD type therapy session tomorrow is EXACTLY FOR THAT!

It also doesn't hurt that ill get 250 in amazon gift cards lolol.

early detection saves you from chemo

Cuz lord knows I ain't NEVER doing chemo again 

That's it 

That's the post

taxol is a liar

Jesus lord have mercy

What kind of body pain is this lord.

Day after infusion, I should have known something was sneaky.

Because yesterday morning marked the rapid decline of health and quality of life.

The fatigue..yeah it hit

My tongue? SCORCH EARTH 

Breathing? Laboured

Then came the bone pain that no amount of claritin and tart cherry juice would ease. This was and still IS the kicker 24 hours later

Immense pain.

My God. Save me please 

dense dose taxol - the morning after

Well yesterday was an... excursion

My first appt was at 8am and I LEFT the centre after infusion at 5.11pm. A MONSTER session with cold capping started at 11.30am and completed at 5.07pm (I was supposed to be done at 5.10 but I got fed up and said 3 minutes not gonna do anything..disconnect my ass!)

Anyways, angela and I literally flew out of the infusion centre because our experience with AC is that you have a mere 1 hour between when you get unhooked to before the shit hits the fan. So like a well oiled machine,  we got home, I showered, brushed my teeth, swishes with Stella Life, showered, ate, took my 8 hour nausea medicine and then LAY the fack down with my puke bucket next to me.

Did nausea come? Hmm..no

Intense fatigue that hit like a garbage truck despite taking the nausea pill (that happened an AC right thru)? ..absolutely not

Did my stomach hurt? ...hmmm curiously no

I DID sleep and I'm now awake at 5am

I DID have a bit of diarrhoea at midnight 

But more or less, I almost feel..normal..the day after. Who the hell knows what would happen by Sunday.

All I know is..I have this DAMNED UDENYCA BOX ON MY ARM..

I'm slightly anemic going into this first infusion (angela is currently banging around preparing my beets lol)

For this infusion I reward 500ml of hydration as part of my pre-meds. And Fomatadene (prilosec) was administered to protect my GI too. I had to get some other type of nausea medicine (can't rem the name,  Latoya and Manny would know.. I had my TWO faaaaav nurses yay!) And ofc Benadryl that made me woozy but not particularly sleepy lol . But it sure did shut my ass up ..manny and latoya were both like..from the time we know your ass is quiet and not making jokes, we KNOW you feeling it.

I was also prescribed xanax..for the first time in my life...because at my pre appt I was BAWLING 

I'm sick of chemo making me feel sick

I'm sick of walking into a building of HEALING where I'm supposed to walk out feeling better...NOT worse. 

I'm tired of biohacking my body!

And I'm doing alla dis and not knowing if the shit is WORKING!

WHICH IS WHY I FORCE ORDERED AN ULTRA SOUND NEXT WEEK. Check my book and Axilla!

Anyways...above all in all to say

I'm gonna call Kayla my cigna nurse and ask for a therapist

And ddtaxol does not seem to be hitting me too hard apart from my 3 fingers that went suspiciously numb and tingly which I IMMEDIATELY massaged out.

So between the compression gloves and socks, cold therapy, acupuncture and now the Alpha lipoic acid

SOMETHING MUST WORK!

CUZ EVERY SINGLE CELL!

I've been quiet because I'm terrified

Today is the day

Dense dose taxol round 1. Which is essentially a TRIPLE DOSE delivered over 3 hours. Add cold capping to the mix and pre infusions, ill be at the infusion centre for a MONSTERN6 HOURS today..usually I'm there for 4 under AC. But AC tried to mess with my heart. So here we are

I've been trying to keep my mind right for the past 3 days because...omg..for the first time in my life..i have...ANXIETY 

And it's because I'm about to walk into an infusion centre feeling pretty awesome and who knows how ill walk out. I'm so concerned I wrote down the passcode to my phone and banking information for angel to access in the event of..anything 

So here I am laid up in bed, box breathing and trying to get my mind right. TRYING.

I'm about to poison myself with an unknown that causes neuropathy,  hearing loss, extreme bone pain, alongside all the other shit AC gives you including fatigue. Like WTF.

I am all prepped up but according to Angela, might as well they infuse me while I'm in a freezer 

Paxman cap,

Suzzi pads for fingers and hands

Ice packs for when the suzzi pad melts.

All to be worn for 4 hours minimum.

All to prevent hear loss and neuropathy.

I discovered Alpha Lipioc Acid this morningfor neuropathyand tachycardia...and thank god for modern technology, Amazon will prob drop it off before I get home from infusion.

I'm trying my BEST to come out of this as human as I was going in..

Prevident for teeth

Shea, batana, coconut oil for skin

Eye drops

Nasal spray (because of course the nose hair exists the building)

B12 - helps shield my nerve endings in my ears, fingers and toes

And now...Alpha lipoic acid

Prilosec (stomach protection)

Pro and pré biotics (to protect my stomach and teeth)

In addition to my nightly heart medication because of AC...

Every single cell inside my body...is happy and well 

Breathe in

Out.

Bucket list bonanza!!

Oh what a great weekend!!

What a GREAT WEEKEND!

I have not CHEESED SO HARD IN A LONG TIME..MY CHEEKS HURT!

The Friday started with a quick outing with Michelle (see previous post) and the weekend commenced on Saturday morning with something that has been on my bucket list for the past year

AMERICAN FOOTBALL BABY!

Now let's make it clear. I wasn't teeewww interested in the football. It was the HBCU marching bands and the HBCU sexy-dexy cheerleaders with all the antics that come with it and booooy did it DELIVER!!

Dwayne, the purveyor of bucket list dreams, got me at saay around 11am? A quick stop at the car wash and for food and we were on our way to DAYTONA..3.5 HOURS AWAY!!

Did we have fun ...yes

Did I nap...strangely..not really!

Was it nice to change scenery? ABSOLUTELY!

So 3.5 hours later, we get in, we get drinks, checked in (I was in peak la dee da mode) and we were headed to the Daytona grounds for a quick presentation game. Uncs equipped with his patron and me with some THC drink (whew child) 

Weather was great. Vibes was nice and the general atmosphere was AWESOME

But my gash

The bands

The BANDS

They were everything I thought it would be

 The drum majors,  the girls, the flare the drama..the BANDS!!

OOOH I could never replicate the feeling of being almost overwhelmed to tears in the tunnel at half time. The drummers going, the cymbals clashing, just...everything! 

Whew child! 

when you don't look like what you're going through

Finally!!! An outting! I was OUTSIDE!!

I must admit.   It almost didn't happen because boy do I need these naps!

Michelle (Florida not colorado) and I were chit chatting on the phone. Even she said she wasn't confident that I'd come out...because lawd she is a night owl and wanted to go to Macabi at 10pm

AT NIGHT!!!!

but I got a small second wind and said I'd meet her for an hour or two but I gotta be home and in bed by 10pm..cuz mama is tired and chemo destroys the mitochondrial stores.

Anyways..put on a quick dress some flats and made it down to the Wilder (I need to go back there..its awesome!) And its cute outdoor area. Finally got there (because what is Friday night traffic to downtown) and walked in and I could SEE the visible shock from Michelle 

Bear in mind she didn't lay eyes on me since Cheryl's birthday before my first chemo. I've now gone through 3 rounds of one of the harshest regimens and she was like GIRL YOUR HAIR LOOKS THICKER AND LONGER!!

YOUR SKIN LOOKS AMAZING!! WTF!!

Then she said the clincher

"You do NAWT look like what you're going through"

And while there's a sense of relief..there's also an awful truth. There's shame in looking sick. Once we can hide whatever rough patch that we are going through whether it be physical , emotional or mental, there's some measure of still winning - despite literally dying inside. I hope with time we can allow ppl to look sick and know that they are fighting and have the same chances as someone who looks moisturised with thicker and longer hair.

Either way...putting on a good front may not be healthy...but keeping the mind forward focused, result oriented and staying out of the "woah be on to me" bucket is where I need to be...yes..I poison my body on a biweekly basis voluntarily and can hopefully dodge the more serious of tbe long term side effects...but I gotta get my mind right and to LIVE.

Anyways..it was a really nice night out of ki ki-ing and talking shit

And yes..at 10.01pm..I was putting my key in the door. Mama dont play with her rest!!!