what it looks like

I've been sorta kinda getting the hang of the side effects..particularly the chemo constipation. 

Red beets, green apples and green kiwi will move MOUNTAINS.

But the black nails..UGH..its gross. It's more on my fingernails.. not my toes but im guessing ill have to endure these for another 6 months until it grows or falls out...aich!

of life and living

2 more of this dreaded taxol to go 

I see the finish line just there...juuuust there

But my brain also reminds me of the huge challenges that come with an infusion.. and I gotta do that twice.

However scans are moving in the right direction,  i rebounded a bit faster after 2nd taxol yet I am terrified of neuropathy 

I go to sleep each night like a proper tanty. Hair covered, nightgown on, and compression socks AND gloves on. Maintaining quality of life has been an absolute TRIP so far.

I am reminded now too that ...I cant plan too far ahead. Jamila was talking about grenada Carnival past night..and in my mind I was thinking about revision surgery, scans and medication

What a trip to have perfect health and then suddenly not, because 1 damned cell decided NOT to die/turn off 

But again I aint doing this again, let my demise be from an errant black bird, or a broken hip at 82. Cancer? Hell no. I've done the hardest hard thing, my mind and my body has suffered through this unspoken challenge and trust i do not remain unscathed.

Life is for living

Do I do it gently? Or rage against the storm

Let's see how i process once I'm out the other side

a whole new world

the village has arrived

Aaand there it is...

Jamila arrived on October 10th and will be here till the 30th. 

It's been a whirlwind of her catching up,  attending every single one of my appts with me and now it's infusion day 

She's admitted to being very nervous..its so much happening..the hair with paxman,  the hands, the feet the infusion. Just alot

But she's here..and im grateful 

in the blink of an eye

How does one go from this, to that. In the blink of an eye?

How does one live in 1 week spurts? 

Sound bath therapy 

Jamila arriving (Rihanna cousin)

Reiki with Kara

And then bam.

From rider to roughness 

therapy

Between my job and my insurance (cigna), I am eligible for all sorts of therapy

But as I said before the one I need now is purely mental. I had my first session with a therapist that looks exactly like me!! It was hilarious...she's a clinical therapist but she does alternative medicine..and she introduced me to sound baths last week.

She also gave me some tips for reducing my anxiety in the lead up to chemo.  One of them being, muting the damn 2000 texts baptist health sends you before your appointment. Like bish I know Thursday is the day I'm going to walk the plank gimme a damn break!!!

Anyways,  texts muted,  I've done 2 sound bathing videos that I listen to on YouTube and she encouraged me to do a follow up Reiki session with my friend Kara...so..let's see if it all comes together or if Mr Xanax will be my friend again (i hope not!)

movement!!

I am so glad I advocated for myself and pushed to have a halfway scan to see if all this torture was worth it or if it is all for nought

Well!

Just came back from the ultrasound at Baptist..and nicely enough I got the same tech who scanned me the morning of of Aug 20..my 1st day of AC chemo. So she pulled up the previous ultrasound to compare and here we go!.

The small 2nd lump that was there went from 0.9cm to 0.2cm

And the axilla (lymph node under my arm pit) went 1.2cm to 0.9mlcm. 

Hallelujah! We are at the halfway point and it looks like the AC and Taxol are disintegrating the tumours. The tech explained that my lymphs are probably still inflamed from chemo and there can be scar tissue and other things that make its shrinkage smaller or slower

All in all.

THANK THE LORD FOR MAKING EVERY SINGLE CELL INSIDE MY BODY HAPPY AND WELL.

I can walk into chemo a little less traumatised knowing that ish IS WORKING!