I've been quiet because I'm terrified

Today is the day

Dense dose taxol round 1. Which is essentially a TRIPLE DOSE delivered over 3 hours. Add cold capping to the mix and pre infusions, ill be at the infusion centre for a MONSTERN6 HOURS today..usually I'm there for 4 under AC. But AC tried to mess with my heart. So here we are

I've been trying to keep my mind right for the past 3 days because...omg..for the first time in my life..i have...ANXIETY 

And it's because I'm about to walk into an infusion centre feeling pretty awesome and who knows how ill walk out. I'm so concerned I wrote down the passcode to my phone and banking information for angel to access in the event of..anything 

So here I am laid up in bed, box breathing and trying to get my mind right. TRYING.

I'm about to poison myself with an unknown that causes neuropathy,  hearing loss, extreme bone pain, alongside all the other shit AC gives you including fatigue. Like WTF.

I am all prepped up but according to Angela, might as well they infuse me while I'm in a freezer 

Paxman cap,

Suzzi pads for fingers and hands

Ice packs for when the suzzi pad melts.

All to be worn for 4 hours minimum.

All to prevent hear loss and neuropathy.

I discovered Alpha Lipioc Acid this morningfor neuropathyand tachycardia...and thank god for modern technology, Amazon will prob drop it off before I get home from infusion.

I'm trying my BEST to come out of this as human as I was going in..

Prevident for teeth

Shea, batana, coconut oil for skin

Eye drops

Nasal spray (because of course the nose hair exists the building)

B12 - helps shield my nerve endings in my ears, fingers and toes

And now...Alpha lipoic acid

Prilosec (stomach protection)

Pro and pré biotics (to protect my stomach and teeth)

In addition to my nightly heart medication because of AC...

Every single cell inside my body...is happy and well 

Breathe in

Out.

Bucket list bonanza!!

Oh what a great weekend!!

What a GREAT WEEKEND!

I have not CHEESED SO HARD IN A LONG TIME..MY CHEEKS HURT!

The Friday started with a quick outing with Michelle (see previous post) and the weekend commenced on Saturday morning with something that has been on my bucket list for the past year

AMERICAN FOOTBALL BABY!

Now let's make it clear. I wasn't teeewww interested in the football. It was the HBCU marching bands and the HBCU sexy-dexy cheerleaders with all the antics that come with it and booooy did it DELIVER!!

Dwayne, the purveyor of bucket list dreams, got me at saay around 11am? A quick stop at the car wash and for food and we were on our way to DAYTONA..3.5 HOURS AWAY!!

Did we have fun ...yes

Did I nap...strangely..not really!

Was it nice to change scenery? ABSOLUTELY!

So 3.5 hours later, we get in, we get drinks, checked in (I was in peak la dee da mode) and we were headed to the Daytona grounds for a quick presentation game. Uncs equipped with his patron and me with some THC drink (whew child) 

Weather was great. Vibes was nice and the general atmosphere was AWESOME

But my gash

The bands

The BANDS

They were everything I thought it would be

 The drum majors,  the girls, the flare the drama..the BANDS!!

OOOH I could never replicate the feeling of being almost overwhelmed to tears in the tunnel at half time. The drummers going, the cymbals clashing, just...everything! 

Whew child! 

when you don't look like what you're going through

Finally!!! An outting! I was OUTSIDE!!

I must admit.   It almost didn't happen because boy do I need these naps!

Michelle (Florida not colorado) and I were chit chatting on the phone. Even she said she wasn't confident that I'd come out...because lawd she is a night owl and wanted to go to Macabi at 10pm

AT NIGHT!!!!

but I got a small second wind and said I'd meet her for an hour or two but I gotta be home and in bed by 10pm..cuz mama is tired and chemo destroys the mitochondrial stores.

Anyways..put on a quick dress some flats and made it down to the Wilder (I need to go back there..its awesome!) And its cute outdoor area. Finally got there (because what is Friday night traffic to downtown) and walked in and I could SEE the visible shock from Michelle 

Bear in mind she didn't lay eyes on me since Cheryl's birthday before my first chemo. I've now gone through 3 rounds of one of the harshest regimens and she was like GIRL YOUR HAIR LOOKS THICKER AND LONGER!!

YOUR SKIN LOOKS AMAZING!! WTF!!

Then she said the clincher

"You do NAWT look like what you're going through"

And while there's a sense of relief..there's also an awful truth. There's shame in looking sick. Once we can hide whatever rough patch that we are going through whether it be physical , emotional or mental, there's some measure of still winning - despite literally dying inside. I hope with time we can allow ppl to look sick and know that they are fighting and have the same chances as someone who looks moisturised with thicker and longer hair.

Either way...putting on a good front may not be healthy...but keeping the mind forward focused, result oriented and staying out of the "woah be on to me" bucket is where I need to be...yes..I poison my body on a biweekly basis voluntarily and can hopefully dodge the more serious of tbe long term side effects...but I gotta get my mind right and to LIVE.

Anyways..it was a really nice night out of ki ki-ing and talking shit

And yes..at 10.01pm..I was putting my key in the door. Mama dont play with her rest!!!

officially pulled from AC

Got the word yesterday evening...

I mean..for the most part I suspected as even I decided i wasn't doing the 4th

Nurse Kelly was like 'ill be REALLY surprised if they allow you to do tbe 4th"

Dwayne "I reaaaally don't think it's worth it to do the 4th"

Lennard "I am no doctor but I don't think you should do the 4th"

So yeah Carcas has pulled me from my 4th AC.so I've done 2 full doses and 1 dose at 25% reduction and I am not mad at it at all. Especially after reading up on how some people were hospitalised with heart damage for WEEKSSS after finishing AC chemo.

No thank you. So I'll take my beta blocker for now, practice my box breathing and prepare myself for the next phase.

Dense dose taxol..I'm not gonna lie..I'm kinda nervous about taxol as a dense dose because the side effects are significant neuropathy in hands and feet, hearing loss (??!!!!! Wtf), extreme bone pain, fatigue and of course playing truth or dare with my hair. The only goof good thing is that a. If I have a bad reaction I can switch to an abraxane which has minimal side effects, b.taxol is flexible such that I can take it dose dense or weekly. If dense dose is too hard on me, I can take the weekly.

Given that my body is taking this hard, I'm even considering asking for a dose reduction off the bat for the dense dose (especially as I have the tinnitus since my last AC infusion)

Anyways...bring out the Suzzi pads and let the good times roll. Who knows...if all goes well..but who the hell knows, I could be dome with Chemo in November...wow.

Anyways.lets see.

God is in control and every single cell inside my body.

your girl is tachy(cardiac) AF

First morning post-HOPITAL I am back in my apartment. Yay!!! 

I slept all the way through from 9.30pm to 5am. SOLID. NO NOTES. JUST SNOOZING AND SERENADING.

I mean the automatically inflating bed was cool and all but it was noisy, ppl were coming in all hours to take my blood pressure and it wasn't MY CLEAN BED AND MY CLEAN HOUSE.

Boy, I told dwayne about the cleaning lady with her 1 blue rag and 1 spray bottle cleaning EVERYTHING..that made me want to get up and get H-IMMEDIATELY!!

Anyways..slept..woke up. Felt pretty OK and said alright 👍🏽..hot girl walk time 

Well...just the act of putting on my sneakers!! Heart RACING! I looked up natural methods to slow tachycardia and 1 was box breathing. So..I started my walk at an almost CRAWL to central park. Angela was basically chipping next to me...the walk was so slow. 

Made it to the park, sat my ass down on a bench to rest while angela did 2 laps of the track and then I walked home.

But a. I ain't doing anymore of this AC..this short of breath/panting/heart racing feeling is NOT worth it. 

b. MOVE YOUR BODY. Even if it's a baby walk..get the blood flowing and good stuff circulating. That 3km walk was difficult and slow AF and frustrating (because just 3 weeks ago I was speed roping and skipping like Ali!) But just get over yourself and keep moving.

C. Just be grateful for the lil things. That I could make it to the park in the first place, that I could see the beautiful morning today would shape up to be and I could FEEL that shift in the weather. The company of angela, the steadiness of dwayne and my work colleagues..esp Michelle who keeps sending motivational cards in the mail..(I ❤️ it!!)

Nnyeka girl. Just keep swimming!!!

You're doing your best and that is ENOUGH!

HOPITAL

Well, 3rd AC has done me in.

I had to keep the promise to Dr Carcas that if I felt ANYTHING  I come to the hospital

Well, I felt something YESTERDAY,  ran a battery of tests and was admitted.  Sigh

So after cardio angiogram, 2 echos, 2 ekgs and a bunch of troponin tests  there's no heart attack. No blood clots just a very high , concerning heart rate. 

To the point where I went to pee last night and nurses busted in my room because my heart rate went up to 140. 

Yes the monitoring here is sick lol

Anyways,  I'm here at 10.22 am just waiting waiting waiting

AC 3 at 75%

Well..

What we know with AC...the usual

Yesterday was bad 

So bad I started to feel sick DURING AC...within 15 minutes of infusion..the nausea was DEBILITTATING.

coupled with the nurse not knowing how to do the paxman cap and me having to advocate for me time but STILL cutting it 30 minutes short because I felt so bad...let's see

But the NAUSEA..wow..the nurses had to rush and push some other nausea med in my port to supplement the Dexa and TWO nausea meds that they give me. This 3rd tho..whew child..the DROWSINESS! it derailed my flushing schedule as ofc I could not drink water and get up to pee and was just all around sluggish and do do ish.

I got enough of a second wind to get up and drive home in the POURING rain, removed my clothes, jumped on the sofa and SLEPT.

Took the 8 hour nausea pill. SLEPT

Woke up for 15 minutes. Ate something.  SLEPT

And it's now 10am Saturday. I fell asleep at 3pm on Friday.. 

What I can say tho is my fatigue and nausea from this Saturday is 80% better as compared to last Saturday. So maybe the dose reduction is the REAL ticket + that extra nausea med that made me feel sleepy.

I dunno but if I can get past this weekend a little unscathed..I'll take it!