Today, I had a long conversation with a school mate.
Marathon long.
Teenaged. Tie up the phone lines and no call waiting long.
5 hours.
However, it wasn't all giggles and 'ole talk' (as we trinis say). Somewhere, weaved into the fabric of our conversation, was some introspection into where we are and what we have achieved at age 28.
What we both agreed upon was that never in our wildest dreams we imagined we would end up where we are now.
Me in France as an English Language assistant, and she as an aerial artist; flying with ease through fire, up silk fabric and through hoops.
We realised that , although our intensely academic and strict background primed us and trained us to always make plans; whether it be 5, 10, 15 years, these plans can always, quite frankly, go to shit.
This is life. Life follows no Plan. She doesn't care about a dream that you had 10 years ago. She cares about moving forward. Only.
As such, we both came to the realisation at the same time that maybe we looked upon life with naive , hopeful eyes at the age of 18.
For me, I realised that at age 28, I've fulfilled the goals I set for myself at age 18. Never did I realise that over the years I should add and modify these goals. So one day, with masters and consultancy experience in hand, I realised I felt lost . Incomplete. Unfulfilled. Without a plan. Without direction.
If I am going to be honest with myself, at this moment , the plan that I made for myself and conscientiously followed over 10 years, is one that, frankly, I did not enjoy too much.
Very quickly I realised I didn't enjoy the rat race which was my initial exposure to consultancy. The bidding for projects, trying to get on project teams, overcoming prejudices, being black, being female, seen as untrustworthy, etc. Etc. Eventually, I saw no growth in myself or my professional ability.
Lost and stagnant. That's how I felt.
For 2 years too many.
Break to 2 years later, and I'm in France, doing the most basic activity that has absolutely nothing to do with my academic training. Pleasantly so.
Listening to young french teens butcher the English language and hope that my input and influence allows them to butcher it less...horrendously.
It is mind numbingly boring. Period. But , through this wave of boredom, of course is self inspection. Too much time alone with oneself can only allow for testing, prodding and examination. Sometimes you like what you find. Sometimes you realise that you've been an idiot for too long. Sometimes you find nothing. Thankfully, the final option did not apply to me.
So what did I learn about myself ? I'll put it simply. As goals, plans, endeavoirs are founded from a simple wish, a simple interest. Born from a simple need to belong and contribute in whatever way to society.
1. I like teaching. Specifically, I love when students find that 'Eureka' moment and you can see it in their eyes.
2. I am a natural entrepreneur. I have the ability to think up of a viable business from thin air.
3. Relax. I've been too uptight for far too long and focused on the next feat/obstacle/challenge to notice what was in front of me. Competition steals life. Now, I simply take time to notice.I do.
4. Calm. Lying still with a calm mind and heart is now my favorite activity.
5 . I love fiercely and grow attachments quickly.
6. A career in the private sector is not for me. Perhaps not even in the energy sector (finally. I've said it).
7. Patience. French bureaucracy has given me a thorough lesson.
8. Expect nothing.
9. Stay positive. Keep trying. It will get better.
10. I don't have problems. We as humans make molehills into mountains. However, many of us do not have REAL problems.
Thankfully, I am one of these people *first world problems*
Hopefully, in the final stretch of this sejourn, I can reflect more on myself, my abilities and ultimately my furture. But for now. I'm happy to lay still. Feel the sun on my face and wonder wether or not I should go to Sweden to fête.
